Friday, January 28, 2011

My Muscles Are Aching and it’s all Al Gore’s Fault

Yesterday, as I shoveled my car out of the 8 inches or so that Baltimore got, I couldn’t help but think about Al Gore.

The same goes for this morning, as I woke up with seriously sore shoulders and back… enough to keep my morning routine of getting up at 5:30 to exercise and such.

Needless to say, my thoughts on the Global Warming/Climate Change/Seasonal Variations-monger were less than friendly. In fact, I really think he should have been at my side helping to dig my Subaru out of the piles of fluffy white stuff imprisoning it.

Or better yet, he should have done all of the work for me while I lounged inside with a mug of hot chocolate. After all, I certainly am not the one running around yapping about how the earth is going to burn up.

Unlike Mr. Gore, I try to do some research and actually use my brain before I sign on board to ridiculous conspiracy theories.

My research tells me that the world naturally goes through cycles of varying temperatures. Even the left-leaning Wikipedia admits that during the 1970s, scientists were warning against the ravages of Global Cooling. And if you just do a bit of digging into news clippings throughout the last century or so, you’ll find that every few decades, scientific opinion changed on that topic.

It’s almost like it’s a pattern!

Meanwhile, my brain – with the help of my eyes – tells me that it’s snowing outside even as I write this… yet again… after it’s already snowed several times this winter and even late last fall.

Please Al Gore, “Cry Uncle” Already!

Back around this time in 2010, just after “Smowmageddon,” Senator Jim DeMint twittered: “It’s going to keep snowing in DC until Al Gore cries ‘uncle.’”

And I think he’s probably right, in which case we’re in really big trouble for the next few decades until the ego-tripping buffoon goes the way of all ego-tripping buffoons and dies.

(Disclaimer for silly liberals: That was not a vitriolic death threat, hence the reason why I said “decades.” Everybody dies eventually; Al Gore is not immune just because he considers himself some sort of messianic prophet of doom and gloom.)

You see, God doesn’t like when people are hell-bent on self-glorification.

How many times in the book of Psalms or in the Gospels does it say something about how the proud will be brought low? I don’t have an exact figure but since I have been reading through both of those sections of the Bible, I can attest that they cover such retribution a decent amount.

And Al Gore is most certainly a very proud man in need of some humbling.

If you don’t want to attribute it to God, then call it karma or logic or the law of averages. Or, as Rachel Weisz’s character, Evelyn, says to the self-focused, fiend-serving Beni in the Mummy, “Nasty little fellows such as yourself always get their comeuppance.”

It's simply inevitable that if you fool around too much with a vice, it's going to come back to bite you eventually.

Now in the Mummy, that meant Beni got himself shut up in a dark tomb surrounded by ravenous flesh eating beetles. Hardly a nice way to go.

And of course, I wouldn’t wish that on anybody, not even somebody like Al Gore.

But it would be really, really nice all the same if he would just go ahead and cry “Uncle” up so that it stops snowing.

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