Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Study “Finds” Physical Difference between Liberals and Conservatives

Setting: A dark, expansive bedroom with a giant four-poster bed, complete with thick bed curtains. A window on the far wall is slightly open, stirring the filmy curtains as an old, white male tosses and turns in his sleep on the bed, several feet away.

Dissonant notes sound in repetition…

Gentle Female Voice: Do you find yourself worrying about the state of the Federal Deficit late at night? Does the quality of your children’s education keep you up? Are you worried that your rights are being stripped away slowly but surely?

Music changes to something more gentle and relaxing.

Gentle Female Voice: You might be suffering from Conservatism. Commissioned by a real live movie star, research at the University College London shows that Conservatism may stem from an enlarged amygdala, an area of the brain that may produce fear and anxiety.

Man continues to toss in his bed, groaning in exhausted frustration.

Gentle Female Voice: But there is a way out… through Liberalism.

Man turns over one more time, stretches out and finally relaxes with a contented smile.

Gentle Female Voice: Liberalism expands the anterior cingulated cortex, a gray matter in your brain that allows you to understand complex issues, much like weed and copious amounts of alcohol. Ask your doctor today if Liberalism is right for you.

Camera pans out on peacefully sleeping man before going dark altogether.

Conservatives Linked to Fear in Study; Liberals to Superior Thinking

If the hypothetical commercial above seems too ridiculous to be true, it is. But just barely.

The University College London really did conduct a study. A real live movie star, Colin Firth, really did commission it. And it really did find that conservatives have oversized amygdalas and liberals oversized gray matter.

If that’s really true, then I suppose I’m a big exception to that rule, as is my father. My mother, admittedly, does have a problem with worrying. Then again, she voted for Jimmy Carter back in the day. So her anxiety might very well stem from misplaced guilt.

And how about all of the liberals who think the world is melting at unprecedented rates? According to them, if we don’t do something immediately, the whole world is going to burn up like in that semi-recent Nicholas Cage movie that started out so well and finished on such a very lame note. (I guess that describes a lot of them, huh?)

That sounds like high-stress levels of worry to me. But then again, being conservative, I’m apparently not easily able to grasp complex issues, like this one probably is. So I’m sure I’m missing something as I try to make sense out of yet another laughably biased study with predictably useless results.

It’s not my fault though. I was born this way.

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