Call me sick and twisted, but I find this story far too amusing not to mention:
Meet Tyree Seegers, Omar Villota and Johel Gomez, three incompetent criminals who thought it’d be a great idea to go into U.S. Chicken in Patterson, New Jersey and carry out what appeared to be completely pointless attacks.
And it all got blatantly caught on camera.
Seegers and Gomez confronted their first victim as he was trying to leave the restaurant, giving Villota time to come up and pistol whip the man in the back of his head. They exit the scene scuffling with each other.
But a few minutes later, the trio reappears on tape dragging a struggling second man back inside, where they proceed to punch him repeatedly in the face.
Now getting all of this caught on a live video feed without the cover of ski masks or some other disguise is really pretty stupid. But apparently, they weren’t satisfied with just being pointlessly violent incompetent wastes of breath. No, they had bigger goals… like shooting for the Darwin Awards (though they ultimately failed at that too. Maybe an honorary mention is deserved?).
Somehow outfitted with a machete all of a sudden, Seegers starts swinging the weapon at the victim over a dozen times. And as the local CBS News puts it: “During one of his swings, he chops into Villota, who is continually pistol-whipping the victim. Seegers nearly severs Villota’s right arm, leaving a blood trail that the cops used to track them down.”
See what I mean? Clearly, these men are out to prove that we all really did evolve from less intelligent life forms… and that we can revert right back without too much effort.
And they deserve even more points for incompetence since the victim wasn’t even seriously injured in the sustained attack thanks to Seegers’ unfathomably pathetic machete skills.
So even though all three hoodlums didn’t manage to make it into the Darwin Awards, I think we can all agree they definitely deserve a permanent place in the annals of FMyLife.