Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Daily Caller Gives Us “Government Spending at Its Stupidest”

What would we do without amazing conservative websites like the Daily Caller, which gives us lists like “Top ten: Government spending at its stupidest?”

Thanks to them, we learn invaluable facts about what the government is doing with our hard-earned taxpayer money, like recklessly spending:

1. $130,987 for dragon robots: “We think the phrase ‘dragon robots’ sounds pretty cool. But when their purpose is to help develop preschoolers’ vocabulary, that’s when we get a little worried. The National Science Foundation will spend nearly $1 million over four years to determine if the dragon-shaped robot can enhance toddlers’ learning skills – because Elmo and Barney are just so 1990s.”

2. $175,587 for a study on the link between cocaine and the mating habits of quail: “The funding for this super-important scientific study is down from its 2010 level of $181,406. But we think the amount is ridiculous for research that proves what the film ‘Blow’ already did: that cocaine is linked to high-risk sexual activity.”

3. $96,000 on iPads for kindergartners: “One school district was awarded this grant to buy every kindergarten student the latest Apple gadget. These kids can’t add yet, but thanks to Uncle Same they’ll never need to.”

4. $147,138 to build a magic museum: “Maybe the wizards at the American Museum of Magic in Marshall, Mich., can make the federal deficit disappear. The grant was awarded to promote the “history of magic entertainment.”

5. $48,700 towards the Second Annual Hawaii Chocolate Festival: “These funds were awarded to promote Hawaii’s chocolate industry. The Aloha State is already full of sandy beaches, clear blue water, and sun. Why do they get all the good stuff/ (That’s the mayor of Hershey, Pennsylvania on Line 1.)”

6. $484,000 for a pizza restaurant: “Arlington, Texas has one more beer and pizza joint, thanks to this grant to a private developer. The groovy Mellow Mushroom, a national chain, is known for its hippie theme.”

7. $606,000 for a study about online dating: “Columbia University researchers received over a half-million dollars to study online dating. Maybe the Ivy League nerds who conducted this study should put down the lab coats and go to a bar – or at least the library.”

8. $55,660 on butter packaging: “Kriemhild Dairy Farms received this chunk of change to package their grass-fed cow butter. The funding isn’t the only thing that’s too big: The butter itself is 85 percent fat.”

9. $136,555 for teachers to retrace Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in England: “This grant, awarded to teachers from Kent State and Eastern Illinois Universities, allowed Middle English fanatics to take the trip outlined in Canterbury Tales. We’re betting £10 that the tour guides just make up half of the landmarks.”

10. 764,825 for a study on how college students use cell phones and social media: “The National Science Foundation awarded the University of Notre Dame this grant to study the mobile and social media habits of college freshmen. We can tell you exactly how college freshmen use mobile phones and social media: for 3 a.m. texts and phone calls to that girl in American History. We could have saved the government a lot of money. Just ask us.”

Of course, considering the size of our national debt and deficit, those amounts might not really seem like that big of a deal. But you know what they say: A couple hundred thousand dollars here and a couple hundred thousand dollars there can really add up before you know it.

1 comment:

  1. As Voltaire said, “No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” Yet each one holds a degree of responsibility. Out of curiosity I added up the total on that listed wasteful spending, $2,645,452