Monday, December 12, 2011

If I Ruled the Universe, the TSA, Obama Administration, UN and Robert Pattinson Would Be Outlawed

I’m always joking with my family and friends about how things would be “If I ruled the universe.”

This sometimes switches to “If I was empress of the world” or “If I ran Planet Earth” but, regardless, the gist is always the same: sanity and common decency would prevail.

If I ruled the universe, for example, women would not be able to wear leggings as pants, a fashion faux pas that shows every crack and crevice of their derrieres. Personally, I don’t care how many Buns of Steel workouts you do every week; I’d really rather not see that much of anybody without at least a formal introduction and a few dates.

If I ruled the universe, men wouldn’t talk about their college porno sprees or jaunts to the strip club in front of women they’ve just met, female colleagues or anybody who hasn’t signed a contract saying they actually want to hear about such things.

And if I ruled the universe, Robert Pattinson would not be a sex symbol. Ever. But that just goes without saying.

Just as necessary would be the removal of the TSA, who (temporarily) topped off their list of utter uselessness by removing an elderly woman’s back brace because they thought she “was wearing a money belt.” Forget my delicious dreamland: Please somebody tell me why they should exist in any universe when they’re so consistently incompetent?

Moving up the ladder, my universe wouldn’t include the Obama administration, which is chock full of more insane ideas than Barney Fife (without the charm). How else can you explain how it’s considering opening up an automated crossing between Mexico and the U.S. at a time when Mexican drug cartels are running amuck and illegal immigration is sapping us of both funds and safety?

And certainly neither last nor least, if I ruled the universe, the UN would be dismantled and fined for all it’s worth (which is or isn’t much, depending on the definition of the word “worth”). The power-mad organization is now looking into ways to impose a semi-global “climate debt” to respect “the rights of Mother Earth,” also known as a tax to line their corrupt pockets even further.

My universe wouldn’t stand for such corruption, stupidity and thoughtlessness. But since my universe quite clearly doesn’t exist, I suppose we’ll all just have to work at fixing this one up as best as we can.

Let’s get to it!

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