I don’t feel like being angry anymore.
Angry at people for thinking the way that they do. Acting the way that they do. Voting the way that they do.
I don’t feel like tearing my hair out exclaiming about how stupid, hurtful and destructive people can be. How they don’t think about others. How they behave as if they’re the only ones to consider. And how the innocent (or at least innocent-er) have to suffer for it.
My seemingly righteous anger has resulted in nothing worthwhile from what I can see. The emotion might have been justified, but that doesn’t mean it was productive.
I’m not really sure that this world is capable of being productive anymore. Not in the way that it really counts, at least. Not enough to make a big difference.
But my anger doesn’t make a difference either. So why bother holding onto it?
I also don’t feel like being confused anymore.
Confused at why people think the way that they do. Act the way that they do. Vote the way that they do.
I don’t feel like trying to dissect people’s educational backgrounds, their psychological upbringing or the physical environments that they grew up in. Nor how they use their childhood or their bad breaks or their lost opportunities as excuses to hurt others or themselves.
My constant state of questioning hasn’t led to any amazing breakthroughs. I already knew the truth anyway. Just because I don’t agree with the rationale doesn’t mean that the answer isn’t obvious.
People are not born good and kind and loving, only to be messed up by the situations that they can’t control. I know people who came from horrible backgrounds but rose above them, and those from good households who behaved as if they’d been raised by rodents.
What’s to understand or not understand? It’s very simple how complicated we make things when we choose to make them so. Nothing confusing about it whatsoever.
None of this philosophical, English major-esque ramblings is going to change the fact that I will get angry again and confused and even scared again sometime further down the road. But for now and in the long-term, I think I’m simply going to accept that there are things in this life that are maddening and baffling.