Friday, October 18, 2013

Breaking News: Rats Prefer Oreos to Rice Cakes. More Breaking News: Who Doesn’t?

I like Oreo cookies.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that. I mean, who doesn’t like an Oreo? Or two. Or three. Double stuffed, peanut butter… Heck, I even think the mint variation isn’t that bad, and I am not a big mint fan at all. But an Oreo is an Oreo, right?

Right! Unless, of course, it’s crack cocaine. Which it practically is, according to Connecticut College neuroscientist Joseph Schroeder.

Devising a test using lab rats in a maze, Schroeder concluded: “Our research supports the theory that high-fat and high-sugar foods stimulate the brain in the same way that drugs do. That may be one reason people have trouble staying away from them and it may be contributing to the obesity epidemic. [The results] lend support to the hypothesis that maladaptive eating behaviors contributing to obesity can be compared to drug addiction.”

Now, I’ve never done cocaine before. In fact, I’ve never done anything that can fit into the traditional category of “drugs” (I was homeschooled), so maybe I’m not the best judge on this. But I have had Oreos… And I can actually say no to them.

Especially, surprisingly, the peanut butter ones. I only need a few before I’m fully satiated. Which is weird, considering how much I like peanut butter.

Yet even those delectable double stuffed cookie sandwiches can be turned down. Sure, it might not make me happy to “just say no,” but it’s not like I start sweating and shaking and crying for my mommy if I can’t shove a few more down my throat.

In fact, I don’t think that happens to anybody over the age of five. Whereas that is what happens to people with drug addictions. So it seems logical to conclude that maybe Oreos are not akin to drugs and Schroeder is an idiot.

Once you understand how the test was conducted, that conclusion becomes even more clear…

You see, student researchers put rats in a maze with two sides, one that held Oreos and one that held rice cakes, then monitored which side of the maze the rats preferred to stay on. The shocking result was that the rodents tended away from the bland but crunchy choice. This was then compared to a previous maze test where rats opted for cocaine injections over saline.

I’m sure if they had put strawberries on one side and rice cakes on the other, the rats would have chosen the strawberries. So does that mean strawberries are practically cocaine too?

This is what our college professors are getting paid to devise and our students are being trained to study. No wonder society is such a mess.

It’s enough to make a girl want to eat a whole box of Oreos… and then get some more.

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