Thursday, April 10, 2014

Our Uneducated Citizens Are in Serious Need of an English Lesson

We really need to establish English as the official language of the United States.

If you’re liberal, you’ll probably accuse me of racism for saying that. If you’re an educated liberal, you might even deem me a protectionist and accuse me of fostering nationalism. If you’re an uneducated liberal (repetitive, I know), you’ll just call me a hater.

But here’s the thing… Nobody knows what they’re talking about anymore! The English language has been so disrespected that our citizens – and non-citizens – don’t have a clue what words actually mean, making up definitions as they go along.

Like former Patriots linebacker, Brandon Spikes, who’s now with the Buffalo Bills. He took to Twitter yesterday, likening his time with the New England team to slavery.

Clearly, Spikes needs an English lesson, since slaves don’t get paid an annual hundred-thousand plus salary. Slaves actually get paid zip. That’s the definition of a slave: an unpaid individual forced to work for some owner’s will. Slaves do what they’re told, or they get beaten.

Speaking of athletes gone stupid, there’s Baseball Hall of Fame’s Hank Aaron, who expressed his political views to USA Today on Tuesday, comparing Republicans to the KKK:

“President Obama is left with his foot stuck in the mud from all of the Republicans with the way he’s treated…. The bigger difference is that, back then, they had hoods. Now they have neckties and starched shirts.”

Again, English lesson required. When you’re comparing the Republican Party and the KKK, “bigger difference” would refer to the fact that Republicans don’t go around burning crosses in blacks’ yards, or hanging them from trees, or dragging them behind their cars until they’re dead. Apparel choices don’t even come close to matching any of that.

Moving on to celebrities, the ever dense Alec Baldwin declared “The film ABOVE ALL ELSE shows how oil, and keystone in particular, destroy our lives..” on his Twitter account yesterday.

Alec Baldwin, of course, is the poster boy for uneducated liberals. And yup, when someone called him an ignoramus for his stance, he ended up using some gay slurs. This guy never learns, so I won’t bother telling him that “destroy” is a negative (i.e. not nice) term, while oil has let our economy grow more than our Founding Fathers ever imagined (i.e. It’s a good thing.).

Which brings me to Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who posed naked for Rolling Stone with the Preamble to the United States Constitution printed on her back. Someone should really school her in the definitions of “feminism,” “dignity” and “respect.” Oh yeah, and also clue her in that 53-year-olds should be mature enough to not pose naked for Rolling Stone with the Preamble to the United States Constitution printed on their backs.

Actually, anyone of any age should be more mature than that.

Thus concludes the lesson.

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