Friday, September 12, 2014

Monkeys Getting Drunk on Taxpayers' Dime

Back in my crazy college days, there was a club called The Hardware Bar that promised to be the place you could get “hammered, nailed and screwed.” Hammered meaning drunk and probably suffering a splitting headache the next day, nailed and screwed meaning… well… you know.

It was apparently a tempting offer, because the place was usually packed. And judging by The Washington Times write-up I just read, today’s D.C. establishment was right there in line with the rest of ‘em. Because it’s copying that motto. Big time.

How else can you explain that the federal government is spending $3.2 million to get monkeys drunk?

Ok, so it’s not the American taxpayers who get to get hammered, but we’re certainly getting… well… you know.

Regardless, it’s a lot more appealing from The Hardware Bar than from the government.


“Right now, the National Institutes of Health is spending $3.2 million to get monkeys to drink alcohol excessively to determine what effect it has long-term on their body tissue.”

Let me stop them right there and ask why we care? We already know that binge drinking has negative effects. Why do we need to know the minute details of how this completely voluntary act breaks down our bodies?

Oh yeah, we don’t! Nor do we care about how “NIH also has handed out $69,459 to the University of Missouri to study whether text messaging college students before they attend pre-football game tailgates will encourage them to drink less and ‘reduce harmful effects related to alcohol consumption.’”

I’ll pause again to flat-out answer that question for them right now: It won’t.

“And the government’s premiere research arm has doled out money in recent years for research on binge-drinking mice, inebriated gamblers and pilots seeking the sensations of flying drunk – on a simulator of course.

“NIH defends such expenditures on the grounds that these research projects help those they fund improve their ‘potential to develop into a productive, independent research scientist.’”

Here’s a thought… Maybe people wouldn’t binge drink in the first place if they knew their government was handling their tax dollars with just a (dry) ounce of common sense! And then we wouldn’t have to waste time, money and effort on getting monkeys drunk.

I’m pretty sure I just nailed it.

As in I just hit the nail on the head… Like I solved the problem… I mean…

Oh, forget it. I need a drink.

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