Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Yahoo Writer Jealous of Game of Thrones’ Death by Fire and Hungry Dragons

Forget politics this morning. Writers are morons.

I say this, not in anger, but with a roll of my eyes and a smirk on my face. Because it’s true. Writers are some of the dumbest people on the planet.

Last night, I was reading Price Peterson’s “‘Game of Thrones’ Recap: Double Dragon Street Justice” on Yahoo. I don’t actually watch Game of Thrones, but for some reason I like checking out the recaps, hence the reason why I got to see the following two opening paragraphs:

“Morbid but appropriate question: How do you want to die? Your first choice is probably something along the lines of, ‘In my sleep, of old age, surrounded by four hundred smiling grandchildren,’ but come on. What’s fun about that? Literally billions of people have passed away under those circumstances! We should all hope and pray for an interesting death that’ll keep people talking long after the memories of our actual accomplishments have faded. ‘I’ll never forget Bill Wilson and how he crashed his catamaran into a garbage island.’ Or ‘Not a day goes by I don’t think of Linda Schwartzman getting attacked by those coyotes in the Macy’s parking lot.’ These are the ways we should hope people talk about us when we’re dead. So when you see an overly ridiculous or violent death on TV, don’t be shocked. Be jealous.

“This week’s episode of Game of Thrones featured one of its most ludicrous and amazing kills in its entire run. Yes, I’m talking about the guy who was both set on fire and then torn apart by dragons. We all cringed and perhaps even clapped when it happened but part of me was like, ‘Damn. That’s how I want to go.’ You know? It’s the main reason I hope cloning becomes a real thing someday… It would make the possibility of me getting eaten by a dinosaur that much more real. Fingers-crossed!”

Now, I’m sure that part of Mr. Peterson is joking. But as a writer myself with an automatic insight into the writer’s brain, I’m equally sure that part of him is not. Which makes him insane. Because only insane people see something desirable in being ripped apart by giant lizards.

I could blame all of this on society and Hollywood and the romanticization of violence and unreality, but here’s the thing: Writers have always been morons. This is nothing new.

Back in college in 2004, I remember an English-major friend of mine saying with a straight face and solemn air that she would rather live a miserable life and be remembered for it than a happy life and fade away into obscurity after death.

That’s not normal. Except for writers. Who are deranged to begin with, and then spend their time studying other deranged writers who preached the benefits of dying young and pretty.

So yes, writers are morons. But on the plus-side, if there are ever hungry, fire-breathing dragons around storming our streets, we know who to push in the way while we scramble for safety.

Hey, they (Note: not this little writer; Price Peterson and his kind) asked for it! Literally.

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