Thursday, August 6, 2015

My Conservative Response to Rolling Stone’s Republican-Debate Drinking Game

One of my angry liberal Facebook friends posted Rolling Stone’s Republican-debate drinking game the other day. At first I ignored it, then decided to give liberals a chance to change my opinion, despite how disappointing such efforts have been in the past.

Here’s what I read, word for word…

Drink THE FIRST TIME:

1. Donald Trump mentions his wealth, or how smart he is.
2. A candidate mentions Benghazi
3. A candidate says, "This president..."
4. A candidate whines about not getting called on enough.
5. Someone promises to "take America back."
6. Trump interrupts someone by saying, "Excuse me, let me answer that…"
7. Anyone mentions Hitler, Nazis or Neville Chamberlain. Includes related imagery, e.g. "ovens."
8. The crowd cheers a racist/bigoted statement by a candidate.
9. A candidate mentions his poor/hardscrabble upbringing, or a parent who "worked every day of his life."
10. A candidate talks about "stopping Hillary Clinton."
11. Anyone warns the U.S. is becoming Greece.
12. Trump refers to himself in the third person.
13. Anyone invokes St. Ronald Reagan.

Drink EVERY time a candidate:

14. Claims a positive relationship with a minority. Also known as the, "Some of my best friends are…" rule.
15. Tries to speak Spanish
16. Tries to warm up to the Ohio crowd with an awkward LeBron shout-out.

Drink EVERY TIME you hear the word(s):

17. "I'm not a scientist."
18. "You can keep your doctor."
19. "ACORN."
20. "The war on Christians."
21. "Thug."
22. "Right here in Ohio."
23. "Culture of dependency."

TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AT ANY MENTION OF:

24. "Kenya."
25. "All Lives Matter."

In response, I’d like to propose my own drinking game, this one for dealing with liberals. There’s no set categories. Just have a sip of your choice drink every time you hear liberals:

1.      Mention how compassionate they are
2.      Make light of a physical attack on America by a foreign entity where people were killed, like Benghazi
3.      Accuse the opposition of being racist just because they disagree with "This president"
4.      Whine about it being “Bush’s fault”
5.      Thrust America toward an oppressive, restrictive future she was never supposed to achieve
6.      Refuse to listen to reason
7.      Equate today’s problems with George W. Bush and the Republican Congress that didn’t exist during Obama’s first years in office
8.      Make a racist/bigoted statement while thinking they’re so accepting
9.      Talk about how difficult their lives are (because liberals are always oppressed)
10.  Talk about “stopping George W. Bush” like he’s still in office (yes, there’s a theme here)
11.  Ignore how the U.S. is becoming Greece
12.  Refer to themselves as enlightened, reasonable and open-minded
13.  Invoke feminist or civil rights icons (or Cecil the lion)
14.  Claim a positive relationship with a minority. Also known as the, "Some of my best friends are…" rule (This one doesn’t change at all)
15.  Heavily imply that all Hispanics clean toilets (thanks for that, Kelly Osbourne)
16.  Make an awkward association to show that they’re hip, they’re down, they care
17.  Think they’re experts on matters they have no actual expertise in
18.  Downplay, mock or ignore how over two-thirds of Obamacare enrollees worry about their coverage
19.  Downplay, mock or ignore how liberal-linked organizations such as ACORN and Planned Parenthood are about as altruistic as a lion with an antelope
20.  Ignore bigotry whenever it’s against Christians, Republicans, whites or men (or Israel)
21.  Tell "thugs" they’re the product of their environment, not life choices
22.  Make quantum leaps in order to find things to criticize Republicans for, like saying “Right here in Ohio”
23.  Downplay, mock or ignore the "Culture of dependency" that has people living their whole lives without experiencing true freedom
24.  Make quantum leaps in order to find things to criticize Republicans for, like mentioning “Kenya” (in other words, make quantum leaps in order to criticize Republicans for anything that comes out of their mouths… ‘cause that’s not bigoted at all)
25.  Refuse to recognize that all lives really do matter

Why participate in something as utterly immature as a drinking game in the first place? Because the more you drink, the less you’ll care liberals are destroying your country. It’s hard to care when you’re dead from alcohol poisoning (which, incidentally, will occur after about an hour. Tops).

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